Happy Mother's Day!

This morning I slept in, and then was presented with sweet cards my family made me while we were eating a lovely breakfast together. Then we started to get ready for church. I was squeezing my post-baby rear-end into a skirt which I was forced to keep closed with rubber bands when I realized that there are A LOT of things about motherhood which were never revealed to me before I was in too deep. Some things I wish someone had told me:

1. You will revolutionize your look-- in addition to the obvious changes in wardrobe you will need to make (see above), you will also have to resign yourself to looking dirty on a regular basis. The only color that would adequately camouflage the most common baby/child related spots is so hideous that no woman should ever even consider wearing it.

2. You will do things you never thought you could possibly do-- like sleep in freakishly contorted positions to avoid squishing the child sleeping next to you in your bed, and using your feet to pick things up (like that armless lady in the movie they showed in high school biology).

3. You will understand how perceptive children are-- they will have an uncanny ability to find the most inconvenient moment possible in any situation to need your help. They will also know to only listen to what you didn't want them to hear and then find the perfect moment to humiliate you in public with that information.

4. You will develop a new level of patience-- the only other option would surely lead to jail time.

5. You will appreciate what your own mother went through-- because one day you will tell your child to stop blowing bubbles with their spit and see in their eyes that they think you are the soulless destroyer of joy you thought your mother was.

And in spite of all this, you will never be happier doing anything else with your life.

I leave the room for one minute...

...and this is what happens.

Natalie's obviously okay with it, I'm just amazed at how quickly her sisters can get her all blinged out. It's like the girlie version of a Nascar pit crew.

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here...

Strep, pink eye, bronchitis, ear infection, pneumonia...our home is a veritable petri dish for infectious disease.

We are in the process of disinfecting/burning everything we own, and are pleased to announce we will soon be able to interact with the outside world without enforcing our stringent dress code:

In a nutshell

They say a picture paints a thousand words. If that's true, here's what I've been doing the past couple of months:



*You can click on a picture to zoom up and see all the intricate detail

Uninvited guests

Yes, this is a HUGE writhing mass of bees in our backyard tree. I don't think I need to say anything else about it....

Pardon my little rant, but...

The past week or so, on two separate occasions, my family members have told me I look huge. This was not the "Wow, your bum looks like a big huge drum, mom" that I hear from Emily on a fairly regular basis. This was from actual adults. All I have to say is, THANK YOU!

I realize that I am probably in the minority in feeling this way, but I am seven months pregnant. I have added almost 30% of my body weight to my frame, and more than doubled in width. I feel like it is impossible for me to get any bigger than this, but know I will--significantly, in fact. I know that people are trying to be kind when they say I look "fake pregnant" or like I have "half a cantaloupe stuck under my shirt", but to me it just feels a little invalidating. This is my fourth baby--I know what to expect, and have never held the delusion that I would go through pregnancy not looking--shocker coming here--pregnant! I'm supposed to get fat--there's nothing unusual or wrong with that now.

The next time you see me, tell me I look like I have the body of a wildebeast, or some other huge mammal of your liking. It will make my day.

Break-up

It has been less than 24 hours and I am feeling empty. We have officially shut off our cable. Since I cannot fill my evenings with my commercial-free DVR-ed shows I have come to know and love over the past year, I am writing this blog in hopes of finding closure.

Goodbye, Discovery channel. Without you I would never have known how to avoid flesh-eating ant swarms, or that a hippo can crush a zebra in its mouth.

Au revoir to the Home and Garden and Food networks for giving me the hopes of "sometime I'll do that in my own life" without the guilt-trip because we both know I never will.

Goodbye to you, Bravo. I have laughed with your obsessive-compulsive real estate flippers, and cried at the horrible drag queen outfits your contestants have produced.

Farewell to you, CNN. I never knew you well, but you brought me the comfort of knowing that I had the option of watching something that was relevant to real life.

I am done with all the mindless TV watching! I don't need you! I'm going to do something productive and character building with you out of my life!

I wonder if there's anything interesting on YouTube....